Insensitive boy’s Facebook cancer announcement traumatizes millions

Angry protesters outside the Cranshaw family home demand an apology.
Photo: infomatique

Millions of well-meaning adults and one broken-hearted child were left scarred and devastated yesterday after a photograph of a boy holding up a sign reading “I’VE LOST MY BATTLE WITH CANCER” was accidentally “liked” by 930,014,285 – roughly one-seventh of the world’s population – on Facebook.

“Why would they do this to me?” wondered an incredulous Nicholas Cranshaw, 7, of Vancouver.

“I’ve got six weeks left on this planet – is this really how people want me to remember it?”

Michelle Tracey, 36, of Edmonton has been crying non-stop since casually “liking” the picture of the grim-faced boy and his stuffed rabbit during her afternoon coffee break.

“Anybody who knows me knows that I totally HATE cancer,” she pleaded.

“It’s just… couldn’t he have been a bit more clear with his wording? I mean… I only have minutes on my coffee break to get through my entire Facebook feed . And having to interpret every post just takes so long. I really thought I was doing the right thing.”

Legions of panicking, guilt-stricken adults reached out to the Cranshaw family, desperate to apologize.

“Totally unacceptable,” wrote back Mom, in a press release.

“The Cranshaw family wishes to apologize to the Adult Community for Nicholas’s confusing and inappropriate wording. We have taken the liberty of registering him in a Social Media Sensitivity Workshop. The course will take up four of his remaining six weeks. That will give him plenty of time to reflect upon the seriousness of his error.”

While most in the Adult Community begged for forgiveness, Glen Arnold, 47, of Fredericton was having nothing of it. In a press release of his own, he described himself as “miffed”.

“Since joining Facebook in 2007, I’ve “liked” 73 different photographs of children who were actually able to beat cancer.”

“I stand by my record.”

“Nicholas really fucked things up for me.”

Brendan Richardson

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