Passport hopes dashed

VANCOUVER—Now that Canadian passports can be renewed for ten years, local thirty-something Melanie Bart was looking forward to her stunning new picture.  “I thought this was my big chance!  I could take a really good photo and use it for ten whole years. It was my moment to shine.”

What Bart didn’t prepare for was a malfunctioning photo machine.  “The clerk told me that their passport camera had been down since that morning.  I felt myself start to panic – my window of opportunity to take the perfect picture was closing.  I had to act fast…

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Insensitive boy’s Facebook cancer announcement traumatizes millions

Millions of well-meaning adults and one broken-hearted child were left scarred and devastated yesterday after a photograph of a boy holding up a sign reading “I’VE LOST MY BATTLE WITH CANCER” was accidentally “liked” by 930,014,285 – roughly one-seventh of the world’s population – on Facebook.

“Why would they do this to me?” wondered an incredulous Nicholas Cranshaw, 7, of Vancouver.

“I’ve got six weeks left on this planet – is this really how people want me to remember it?”

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Vancouver baby drop-off program to extend to age two

VANCOUVER—St. Paul’s Hospital, site of Canada’s very first newborn drop-off program “Angel’s Cradle” has announced an expansion of their original mandate.

“We’ve been overwhelmed by the popularity of this service,” said Dr. Geoffrey Cundiff, head of gynecology and the program’s founder. “Parents have been asking us — can you do even more? Is it too late for you to help us?”

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Nut shortages, clearcutting causing unrest: squirrel race war imminent

VANCOUVER—The clear-cutting of vast numbers of oaks and other trees for the manufacture of beverage coasters, gear shift knobs, gourmet toothpicks, and other products vital to the stability of the North American economy has resulted in a shortage of available living space, and a corresponding reduction in the supply of acorns, a squirrel advocacy group said today.

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