DUBLIN, Ireland—In a not particularly surprising move today, the government of The Republic of Ireland has announced that it is considering legalizing moderately drunk driving for rural residents.
“In recent years, the Republic has cracked down on drunk driving, lowering the rate of traffic deaths by 42% in 4 years,” said Patrick O’Guinness, Ireland’s Minister of the Interior. “However, over the same time period, death by suicide and depression have risen astronomically in Ireland. I believe the best compromise is to allow ‘buzzed’, ‘merry’ but not outright drunk driving, so that the people of Ireland can visit pubs again.”
O’Guinness continued, “We think an alcohol limit of .10 would be reasonable, with an exemption to .15 for rural residents who may have difficulty obtaining taxi services. Many of the rural Irish drive tractors to the pub, and when was the last time you heard of a traffic accident caused by drunk tractor driving? It must be fairly obvious then.” When a reporter suggested that the Irish take up hobbies other than drinking, O’Guinness dismissed such ideas as “absurd” and “un-Irish.”
Much of the population of rural Ireland also supports this measure. “Some people have suggested that I drink at home,” said Irish farmer Fingal O’Flahertie, “However, I go the pub mainly to get away from my wife and family. The drinking is just to help me forget about my miserable home life faster. I’d rather go to the pub and drink tea like a limey than stay home and drink whiskey with my wife.”
British Prime Minister David Cameron responded, “I would like to think that Ireland is a mature nation, but the recent actions of the Irish parliament have proved otherwise. I believe that this clearly shows that the Liberal policy of Irish home-rule is untenable. The government will devote its full efforts to repealing the Government of Ireland Act of 1920 and restore Ireland to the British Empire. Naturally, we will grant Ireland some degree of self-government, otherwise, we would be required to give Ireland representation at Westminster, and nobody wants that.”
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