Ontario Deputy Premier to fix homeless problem by mass deportation


With above-average literacy, healthcare-fortified bodies, and predominantly white skin, Canada’s homeless are a booming export to America’s economically decimated subprime mortgage crisis urban wastelands.

Deputy Premier Deb Matthews has finally tipped her hand on Ontario’s new Poverty Reduction Strategy to end homelessness.

Two initiatives previously announced by the government— a $42-million eliminate homelessness program and a $50-million poverty reduction fund — will be combined to combat the problem with one blow.

“Houses in Detroit are cheaper than a dinner for two at The Old Spaghetti Factory,” Matthews told Mooseclean’s yesterday. “Throw in the cost of a one-way Greyhound ticket and we’re giving people a new lease on life in a new wilderness that they could not help but dominate.”

Canada’s homeless are unique in that they possess an unusual blend of knowledge and skills necessary for surviving in any environment. Liberal arts degrees are common, with most able to build lean-to’s and quote long passages from Farley Mowat memoirs with equal ease. Culinarily, they are as practiced in barrista wizardry as they are adept at capturing and roasting squirrels over an open flame.

Details are still being worked out with the US Department of Homeland Security. If the two sides can shake hands on a proposed tagging, monitoring and tracking system, Canadian street people could be southbound by early next month. The Humane Society is rumoured to be the likely contractor for the mass injections of subcutaneous surveillance chips.

Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan was elated at the prospect. “Personally, I’d be over the moon to see all these rotting houses filled with potential taxpayers. I’m told a surprising number of them are white, which is a bonus. We really need a sturdy, fearless, and resourceful Caucasian population base to re-seed these areas and reclaim civilization if we ever hope to attract the timid, middle class suburbanites back. They’re so skittish.”

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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