OTTAWA—In a survey conducted exclusively for Mooseclean’s, 25% of individuals polled would consider trading Ottawa’s counsellor-turned-mayor Jim Watson for Toronto’s hoodlum-turned-mayor Rob “F-ing” Ford.

Some respondents agreed to provide comments for this article in return for anonymity; others did not specify. In a calculated and completely unapologetic attempt to create controversy and boost readership, we’ve elected to publish quotes obtained from the latter group.

“Jim’s a stand up guy, I think, and it’s guys like him who really cement this image Ottawa has as a sleepy, boring, conservative town… and this image desperately needs to change,” said Robert Parsons of Gloucester. “Youth are becoming disconnected with politics because politicians are dull. Ottawa is not a hot tourism destination because ‘What happens in Ottawa’ isn’t worth gossiping about. Frankly, a wife-beating, gay-bashing, cyclist-hating crack fiend screaming from the helm is just the thing we need to shake us out of our complacency.”

“Mayor Watson is the sort of man you’d bring home to meet Mom and Dad. Not that I’ve done that; he’s married, after all. And I don’t mean to suggest I’ve gone on any dates with Jimmy… or any other married men,” said Sandra Neault of Kanata. “But Jimmy-dearest is just a snuggly, huggy bear, and Ottawa needs someone more daring to draw attention here. I think Robbiekins could do that for us. He has a dark, menacing side that is very exciting. Well, I find it exciting anyway.  And very erotic.  What?  Stop looking at me like that!”

The margin of error for this survey is approximately plus or minus 30 percentage points, 19 times out of 20.

(Sorry. Hardly anyone likes taking surveys.—Editors.)

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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