Dear Americans, lock your doors, turn on all the lights, and clutch your loved ones tight. The 2024 presidential election season is here, and it’s shaping up to be a political horror show more chilling than any Stephen King novel, starring two of the most improbably-crafted characters ever to grace a debate stage.

It was a night where President Biden, needing to prove his vitality, instead delivered a performance so lethargic it could double as a sleep aid. Meanwhile, former President Trump turned the event into a fantasy romp, where the truth was as elusive as a coherent tweet from his X account.

The night kicked off with Trump accusing Biden of lying about his golf handicap—because clearly, that’s the burning issue keeping Americans up at night. In a stunning display of mature statesmanship, Trump then urged Biden to stop “acting like children.” Next, when asked about child care, Trump fired off a non-sequitur about General Kelly, dead veterans, and his unparalleled ability to not have sex with porn stars. Biden, in turn, tried to discuss child care but got lost in a maze of memories, ending up somewhere between firing General Kelly and a faint recollection of a computer chip.

This is the current state of American politics. These are the two men that the major parties have offered as best qualified.

On one side, we have Trump, whose talent for spouting off-the-wall nonsense is rivaled only by his skill in turning every statement into a bewildering word salad. “I didn’t have sex with a porn star, number one,” he declared, “We had H2O. We had the best numbers ever.” What numbers? What water? Who knows!

On the other side stands Biden, a man whose speeches resemble a treasure hunt where the treasure is a coherent thought. His attempts to reassure the nation about his policies often end in hoarsely whispered declarations like “we beat Medicare.” Did we, Joe? Is that a good thing? Should we be celebrating or calling an ambulance?

Both candidates are so old they probably remember when Halloween actually meant something scary. They look and sound like Methuselah’s classmates. And yet, here they are, vying for the one of the most powerful positions in the world. Trump, with his verbal Denial-Of-Service attacks, leaves everyone exhausted and bewildered. Biden, with his penchant for fading into the background, makes you wonder if he’s still there at all.

The debate was a spine-chilling spectacle of verbal blunders and bizarre claims. A masterclass in how to terrify an electorate. Trump’s ability to weave a web of contradictions faster than a caffeinated spider left fact-checkers in a state of despair. Always one to rewrite history, he blamed Nancy Pelosi for January 6th, boasted about offering imaginary troops (a claim as fictitious as his hairline), and somehow managed to portray himself as the ultimate victim in all of it. Biden, on the other hand, struggled to finish a thought, his answers dissolving into a fog of half-remembered policy points and sleepy affirmations.

Watching these two clash was like witnessing a slow-motion car crash, complete with the frantic steering and inevitable twisted wreckage. Viewers, trapped in a funereal silence, could only hope for the sweet release of a commercial break.

In the end, the debate highlighted one inescapable truth: America is in deep trouble: faced with two candidates who, in their own unique ways, embody the concept of unfitness for office. One promises chaos and confusion with a side of bombast; the other offers a quiet, befuddled retreat into obscurity.

As we march dejectedly towards November, let’s remember that this election is not just a choice between two men. It’s a choice between different flavors of dread. So, grab your popcorn, turn off the lights, and settle in for the scariest show on earth. Because no matter who wins, we’re all in for a fright.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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