VANCOUVER—St. Paul’s Hospital, site of Canada’s very first newborn drop-off program “Angel’s Cradle” has announced an expansion of their original mandate.

“We’ve been overwhelmed by the popularity of this service,” said Dr. Geoffrey Cundiff, head of gynecology and the program’s founder. “Parents have been asking us — can you do even more? Is it too late for you to help us?”

Dr. Cundiff pointed out that under the current conditions, Canadian drivers are better supported in their commitments than Canadian parents.

“Some vehicles today come with a 10 year warranty at time of purchase. That’s a lot of support,” he said. “As for the commitment-shy leasers, they can return their cars after 2 or 3 year terms with no further obligation. Why are parents entitled to less?”

Mooseclean’s readers with young children are undoubtedly aware of the ‘terrible twos’, where even formerly content infants morph into writhing, seething, possessed demonspawn, seemingly from another dimension.

“Our expansion initiative is meant to encourage brand new parents who are ‘on the fence’ to give it a go. A lot can happen in those first few years,” Cundiff continued. “We want people to feel confident that there’s still time to change your mind, right up until the candles are lit on that third birthday cake.”

Dr. Cundiff was evasive when asked where he’d gotten the ‘lease and return’ comparison from. After some digging, Mooseclean’s determined that he’d recently begun driving a new Prius.

“I’ve never met Geoff… I mean, Dr. Cundiff… but I think the vehicle analogy makes perfect sense,” said Ben Devious, a salesman at the nearby Jim Pattison Toyota-Scion dealership. “A child under three years has depreciated to the optimal balance point of value and longevity. It has plenty of years of useful service left, and any manufacturing defects have already been discovered.”

The Vancouver Police Department reports that they will continue to support the program and will not charge or investigate parents who utilize “Angel’s Cradle”. However, they do wish to remind former and future parents to ensure that their registration and insurance papers are in order whenever youngsters change hands.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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