The acquittal of media personality and hate-fucker Jian Ghomeshi on all counts of sexual assault and choking is being celebrated nationwide today.

“Justice William Horkins has not only freed Jian, but men and women everywhere,” Bryan Artis, a local fork-lift operator, said. “Women secretly enjoy being dominated but then feel pressure from society to be equal and empowered and shit. It’s crap.”

Maryann Gipson, Mr. Artis’s piece of ass for the current month, nodded vigorously in agreement.

“I’m a ho and I like it rough,” she confirmed. “Spank me. Make me feel cheap.”

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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