2018 Olympic Canadian bobsled team announcement
Arnold Gallant of Halifax has decided to make himself and his buddy Dave Andrews participants at the next Winter Olympics, Gallant announced today. “Yeah, so I’m sitting on the couch…
Environment Canada declares wildlife dangerous to the environment
Canada’s Minister of the Environment, The Honourable Leona Aglukkaq has declared all Canadian wildlife a threat to the environment. “Beavers destroy thousands of trees a year,” Aglukkaq said. ”Cows and…
Man eats shit, dies
ST. JOHN’S—Local plumber and smart ass John Hyde died this week after being infected with Baylisascaris procyonis. Public health officials say this is the first case of B. procyonis death…
Homely man’s remarriage proves love more than blind
Howard Brandt isn't exactly the man of most women's dreams. While his 5'6” tall and roughly 305 pound frame often compels a second look from the opposite sex, it's generally…
It’s OK, I’m a Meta-Peeping Tom
Dearest Maple Street Neighbours, I think it’s time to write you all a letter explaining my current research project. I’d wanted to surprise you with the final results but, judging…
Toronto Mayor’s bizarre homophobia attributed to estranged relationship with penis
A doomed love affair between a young Rob Ford and his penis could be what spurred the 44-year-old Toronto mayor to demand the Gay Pride flag be removed from Toronto…
Juno Awards nominees no surprise – Not even a little
TORONTO—The 2014 Juno Awards nominees were announced this week. The list came as a surprise to nobody. All the usual suspects litter the roster of Canada’s best musicians. Hedley? Yep.…
Bell Canada’s Depeche Mode cover singer believed to be real cause of death of Philip Seymour Hoffman
Believed at first to be heroin, Mooseclean’s has learned that something far more terrifying and insidious really killed actor Philip Seymour Hoffman. “He thought it was Max Headroom when he…