Amazon confirms ‘send glitter to your enemies’ drone delivery is coming
Prime Air, Amazon’s drone-powered delivery system, promises to safely deliver packages to customers in 30 minutes or less. But what if you want to deliver mischief?
Racist, xenophobic, sexual offender regrets decision not to run for President
‘MERICA—With the results of the election now confirmed, Eddie Farnsworth nervously plays with his toupée.
Health Canada approves ‘Season After the Morning After’ Pill
OTTAWA—Following positive, albeit controversial, results with its approval of non-prescription sales of the 72-hour ‘morning after’ pill (Levonorgestrel) and the 49-day ‘abortion pill’ (Mifegymiso), Health Canada has upped the ante.
Killer nurse to publish poetry collection
Elizabeth Tracy Mae Wettlaufer, accused of first-degree murder in the deaths of eight Ontario nursing-home wards, is poised to become a published author. According to trusted sources, several North American…
New resident obtains employment with notorious local asshole
Word eventually gets around about the people you’d better not work for. But what happens when you’ve just moved somewhere new and desperately need a job? Jill Rondeau found out…
‘Well Baby’ still ‘doing well’ at age 30
MIDLAND, Texas—When 18-month-old Jessica McClure fell into a well in her aunt’s backyard in 1987, many feared for her well-being, wondering not only how she would recover physically from the…
Coffee houses burn in java gangland
OTTAWA—A bitter turf war between two rival upstarts and the industry powerhouses has seemingly resulted in another java joint burned to the ground.
Eyewitnesses sought in vehicular death
LOCAL—Police are requesting assistance from witnesses to the hit and run death of a young male by a motor vehicle at the corner of Hunt and Green.
UPDATED | Mooseclean’s writers strike enters second month
After repeated excuses by Mooseclean’s management attributing the recent freeze on published content to laziness and drunkness of its nomadic, indigent, largely illiterate staff, the current paralysis of the newsrag…
Trudeau, Obama and other guy in Ottawa for North American leaders’ summit
For the first time since 2007, the so-called Three Amigos—the Canadian Prime Minister, the President of the United States of America, and the person in charge of Mexico—are back in…