OTTAWA—A Toronto man has been charged with mischief and uttering threats after leaving a suspicious package in a building housing the Prime Minister’s Office.

Witnesses report seeing the man appear in the lobby of the building near noon, holding a plain, brown paper sack. After sitting quietly for a minute, he spontaneously burst into a rage, throwing the bag into a nearby trash bin and exiting to the street.

An expert team of chemical, biological, radiological, nuclear and explosives (CBRNE) specialists analyzed the package and by mid-afternoon, the contents of the bag—leftovers—were deemed to pose no threat to public safety.

“This was a simple misunderstanding, blown out of proportion,” said Leomund Snark, attorney for the accused. “He opened his lunch bag to discover that he had received a turkey sandwich for the fourth consecutive day. We’re asking for leniency in this case. I mean, we’ve all felt this way once, haven’t we?”

“I was sitting nearby when I saw him freak out. It was terrifying,” a witness told Mooseclean’s, on condition of anonymity. “He stood up and screamed ‘That’s it! I’ve had all I can take of this crap! It all ends right here, right now!’. Then he hurled the bag and stomped out the door.”1

Jim Mumford, 45, of Toronto, is scheduled to appear in an Ottawa courtroom tomorrow. Until then, he remains in custody under suicide watch, as the jail has been recently inundated with post-Thanksgiving food donations.

1 – We’d like to thank Mrs. Cheryl Thompson of Ottawa, whose observations were critical in preparing this story.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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