March Madness leads to April Apathy
U.S.A.—Sports enthusiasts who have been losing their shit over college basketball during the month of March will soon be faced with nothing to live for. Kentucky superfan Corb Bunsen talked…
Help! My friends joined the Crossfit cult!
Dear Mooseclean’s: Lately, I feel like a number of my friends have fallen victim to a cult. They talk obsessively about their group, use specialized language and berate themselves for…
Exoplanets agree to turn off lights, act like nobody’s home
NASA—Astronomers have found seven Earth-sized planets that they hope will reveal life beyond our globe. Area inhabitants are not amused. “Oh, for Zasafron’s sake!” said TRAPPIST-1e alien Muhammad, choosing to…
No, not that Richard Hatch
LOS ANGELES—Richard Hatch has died. No, not that Richard Hatch. Based on viewer age and television preferences, there is some confusion as to which Richard Hatch is no longer living.…
Monopoly introduces Drumpf Administration edition
RHODE ISLAND, U.S.A.—Hasbro’s Gaming Division has introduced the latest Monopoly edition in recognition of the 45th President of the United States. “What better way to honor President Drumpf than with…
Gym regulars resolve to stay away until new members give up
WINNIPEG—Neighbourhood gym Hard Bodies has seen a 35% increase in membership since January 1. However, the gym is no more crowded than usual.
Ode to a Shitty Year
2016, you are… The box of raisins at HalloweenA dead fly floating in the soup tureen A bad haircut that made me cryWaking up to the sting of pink eye
Baby’s name to be decided by shootout
TORONTO—After Toronto FC lost the MLS Cup to the Seattle Sounders in a shootout, new parents and longtime soccer fans John and Anna Besh made a decision. “Look, if the…
TTC riders boycott service, need ride to protest
TORONTO—In January, the TTC will increase the cost of riding public transit for the sixth time in six years. Riders are fed up with what they feel is unfair treatment…
Grey Cup 2016 – Two red teams, a horse, a lumberjack and a dog
TORONTO—On November 27th, the 104th Grey Cup will be played at Toronto’s BMO Field. Here’s a game day primer for those of you who aren’t CFL fans.