Iron Maiden to close Ottawa Jazzfest
OTTAWA—Tearing a page from the book of Ottawa Bluesfest festival director Mark Monahan, the organizers of Jazzfest have made a last-minute announcement that geriatric heavy metal act Iron Maiden will…
US back to not giving two-shits about World Cup
ALL IN ONE RHYTHM™ MY ASS: Only one of these games was worth seeing, and then only if the referee hadn't shamlessly thrown the game away in favour of the…
Miley Cyrus lights herself on fire and runs into a fireworks factory, killing 75
Photo: Hot Gossip Italia, flickr. Millions were saddened today to learn of the apparent death of musician, actress, and freakshow spectacle Miley Cyrus, via a written story by Christopher Hooton…
Breathing increases risk of cancer, study finds
Tuktoyaktuk, NWT—You quit smoking, cut back on drinking, started exercising regularly, and bought organic products. Good for you. . .but sadly, not good enough. You're still utterly screwed, according to…
“The right person for you is out there, somewhere,” would-be significant other says.
LOCAL—In the aftermath of your latest rejection from the opposite sex comes an official statement from the other party involved, delivered at a press conference convened at your now-formerly favourite…
PM unveils “shoot first – ask questions later” initiative
In a bold new initiative to regain flagging support among their fundamentalist base, the Harper government has announced the first of it’s innovative new “shoot first, ask questions later” policies.…
Man survives by eating food found in yard
LOCAL—An area man who recently lost his job has survived starvation by eating a variety of things picked from his backyard, neighbours report. Nathan Moller, former Chef of recently-closed restaurant…
Fucking A! Swearing makes you feel better, scientists say
The next time someone tells you to stop cursing, tell them it's therapeutic... then tell them to fuck off. This according to new research by Richard Stephens and some other…
Nigerian girls fail to attract buyers, militants complain
The fate of 200 girls kidnapped from their boarding school in Chibok may be twisting for the better. Boko Haram militants initially threatened to sell the girls into slavery, but…
“Log Driver’s Waltz” displaces “Gangnam Style” in popular dance craze reign
Don't cry, Psy, but a new dance sensation is sweeping the nation.