2018 Olympic Canadian bobsled team announcement
Arnold Gallant of Halifax has decided to make himself and his buddy Dave Andrews participants at the next Winter Olympics, Gallant announced today. “Yeah, so I’m sitting on the couch…
It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—They’re dropping like flies at the Australian Open. With temperatures topping 40 degrees Celsius, fans and players alike are succumbing to Mother Nature. “I’m from Canada, and I don’t…
Leafs look to re-sign Barilko in playoff push
TORONTO—Coming off their best regular mid-season in a decade, analysts are in agreement that the Toronto Maple Leafs have an excellent chance of experiencing this year's Stanley Cup playoffs from…
Sochi Olympics to be shot on dash cams
SOCHI, RUSSIA—The Olympic Broadcasting Services announced today that the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi will be broadcast via dashboard-mounted camera. Known formally as “videoregistrators”, the ubiquitous cameras are poised to…
Redskins announce list of alternative team names
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an apparent yield to public pressure and the latest appeal from The National Congress of American Indians, the Washington Redskins have finally announced willingness to to explore a…
Bobbleheads will protect CBC jobs from Rogers goons, Lacroix says
with files from amiableCDN Rogers Sportsnet, the rookie team in the league of Canadian sports broadcasting, has checked its senior competitors into the boards. With their historic deal for NHL…
Saskatchewan proves it “still exists”
REGINA—With the 101st Grey Cup behind them, Regina natives can return to solidarity in good spirits knowing that their existence was confirmed for one day.
Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
WASHINGTON COUNTY, Oregon— After losing their appeal in federal court, Nike Inc. has been forced to publicly admit the sorry truth: Tiger's balls are not for sale. Not to anyone,…
A-Rod guilty only of loving baseball
CHICAGO—On Monday, Major League Baseball handed out the longest suspension ever for use of performance enhancing drugs (PED). A 211 game time-out was given to New York Yankee infielder, Alex…
Athletes inspire townspeople to get naked
MELVILLE, Saskatchewan—ESPN The Magazine’s annual Body Issue is a celebration of the fine-tuned bodies of elite athletes. The pictorial spread is on news stands now and it's awash in rippling…