Boob Tube Barrage

There’s a new phenomenon in home entertainment, and it’s adversely affecting Canada’s television viewing population.  Known as Missed Show Anxiety (MSA), it’s collapsing leisure time and putting countless people on edge.

“I’ve always enjoyed regular cable television,” said welder Jim Vice, “but ever since premium cable stepped up their game, I’ve been overwhelmed.  There aren’t enough hours in the day to fulfill the societal demands of watching all this quality programming!”

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King for a Day

TORONTO—A replica of the Iron Throne, from the popular HBO series Game of Thrones, came to CTV Agincourt this week and half the building lost its shit.

Promo producer Jeff Penn made the initial discovery.  “I was walking through the Annex and happened to look in on the set of Off the Record. There it was!  Just sitting in the dark! I ran back to the office and sent an email to fellow GOT enthusiasts.”  

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Experts worry Kevin O’Leary may have brain damage

Experts fear millionaire businessman and Dragon’s Den investor Kevin O’Leary may be suffering from brain damage, after he told the audience of CBC’s “The Lang and O’Leary Exchange” that he believes 3.5 billion people living in poverty is “fantastic news” and that it will motivate people to work hard.

When asked recently how he feels about 85 people owning the majority of the world’s wealth, O’Leary announced proudly “[sic]…It’s a celebratory stat. I’m very excited about it. I’m wonderful to see it happen”.

Some experts believe his ego has actually become so large it’s created an epigenetic effect resulting in abnormal brain development, causing poor grammar, a complete lack of empathy and the inability to think logically.

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Bell Canada’s Depeche Mode cover singer believed to be real cause of death of Philip Seymour Hoffman

Believed at first to be heroin, Mooseclean’s has learned that something far more terrifying and insidious really killed actor Philip Seymour Hoffman.

“He thought it was Max Headroom when he first saw it,” said a family friend speaking on condition of anonymity.

Max Headroom but as a gay porn character.”

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Bobbleheads will protect CBC jobs from Rogers goons, Lacroix says

with files from amiableCDN

Rogers Sportsnet, the rookie team in the league of Canadian sports broadcasting, has checked its senior competitors into the boards. With their historic deal for NHL broadcast rights in Canada, they’ve effectively placed Canada’s public broadcaster and rival The Sports Network into the penalty box for the next 12 years.

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Megalodon is a Megalo-lie

A mockumentary that kicked off “Shark Week” has the Discovery Channel in hot water.  “Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives” tells the story of a group of scientists searching for the modern-day version of a prehistoric shark that’s wreaking havoc off the coast of South Africa.  But the shark, nicknamed Submarine, is as fake as the actors playing scientists. 

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