Quantum physicists agree to settle dispute with MMA fight

Interpretations of the infamous double-slit experiment in quantum mechanics have polarized scientists for decades. Now, two prominent pioneers in the world of quantum mechanics, Dr. Alan Heisenbohr and Dr. Richard Harris, have agreed to settle the argument once and for all in a mixed marital arts bout, the result of which will be respected by the rest of the scientific community.

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Man fails to communicate awesomeness of Kraft Dinner to Mexican In-laws

After multiple attempts, a local man hung his head in despair and accepted his inability to communicate the awesomeness of Kraft Dinner Macaroni and Cheese to his Mexican in-laws, who have been living in Canada for over a decade now and still fail to understand its awesomeness.

“I just don’t understand how they don’t find it awesome,” said Alex Smith. “I even added ketchup and little chunks of cut-up hot dog, and they still didn’t find it delicious,” he added.

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Strippers embarrassed to work with Patrick Brazeau

OTTAWA—Bare Fax Gentleman’s Club, the strip bar currently being managed by disgraced Senator Patrick Brazeau, has seen a number of dancers quit recently, saying they are just too embarrassed to be working at the same place as Patrick Brazeau.

“I had to quit because my dad found out that I’ve been stripping at a club managed by Patrick Brazeau; I just can’t bear the way he won’t make eye contact with me anymore,” said Krystal, a dancer who has worked at the club for the past several years.

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Rob Ford has Hollywood career to fall back on

The answer to why Mayor Rob Ford has been spending time recently in California instead of focusing on Toronto has been revealed, as Disney announced Monday that Ford is being seriously considered for the role of Jabba the Hutt’s offspring in the new Star Wars franchise.

J.J. Abrams says if he gets his way, he will cast Ford in the role of Gumba the Hutt, the fatter and more grotesque spawn of Jabba the Hutt from the original Star Wars franchise.

According to market research, Star Wars fans are responding positively to the idea of Ford being cast as a Hutt. “The resemblance is uncanny. With just a slight touch of CGI he’ll look just like a Hutt” said Markus, a life-long Star Wars fanatic

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Police make drug bust while searching for pedophile

OAKVILLE—A search for a black SUV connected with a ring of pedophiles believed to be operating in the Oakville area resulted in an unrelated drug bust early Wednesday morning.

Sgt. Jeff Mackelmoreal was out searching for a black SUV believed to be connected with the pedophile ring when he saw a suspicious young man with a backpack and dreadlocks walking down the street in an especially “relaxed and care-free manner”. 

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Experts worry Kevin O’Leary may have brain damage

Experts fear millionaire businessman and Dragon’s Den investor Kevin O’Leary may be suffering from brain damage, after he told the audience of CBC’s “The Lang and O’Leary Exchange” that he believes 3.5 billion people living in poverty is “fantastic news” and that it will motivate people to work hard.

When asked recently how he feels about 85 people owning the majority of the world’s wealth, O’Leary announced proudly “[sic]…It’s a celebratory stat. I’m very excited about it. I’m wonderful to see it happen”.

Some experts believe his ego has actually become so large it’s created an epigenetic effect resulting in abnormal brain development, causing poor grammar, a complete lack of empathy and the inability to think logically.

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Mexican migrant workers help locals improve their English skills

Mexican migrant workers have long been valued in Southern Ontario for their durable bodies and strong work ethic, but now many of them have another valuable skill to offer – English tutoring. Many Mexican migrant workers are now tutoring local Canadian workers in reading and writing skills, as well as some basic math skills.

Although English is not their first language, the Mexicans say they were able to learn it quickly because of hard work and dedication, and they are confident the local workers can see similar results in their own capabilities if they apply themselves and work hard.

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Canada’s top Economics prof admits: “I don’t get it”

William Langille, one of Canada’s top Economics professors at the University of Toronto, has admitted that he doesn’t actually understand our economic system at all.

“I don’t get it,” he admitted, while giving a lecture at an economics conference at U of T.

“I admit it, I’ve been faking it this whole time. I started bullshitting about economics when I was young because I was too lazy to learn the hard sciences and I wanted a boat. Slowly, over time, I just started gaining respect and advancing in my career, and I guess I got addicted to the respect and money that came with the job. Eventually, I bullshitted so much I reached the top of my profession…

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Study finds 75% of pay-per-view buyers don’t perceive a difference between UFC and gay porn

A new study by an independent marketing firm has discovered that 75% of the pay-per-view sales from the recent UFC 169 event were from people who thought they were ordering gay pornography.

“We’ve always known there was a cross-over market here, but we had no idea just how much the two demographics overlapped” said Lorenzo Fertitta, co-owner of the UFC.

The UFC, an organization in which semi-naked men attempt to beat other men into physical submission, has been controversial since it made it’s debut in 1993. There was a time in the late 90′s when it was considered too edgy for pay-per-view, although porn has always been available

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