U.S.A.—Since August, sightings of creepy clowns or “killer clowns” have been reported across the U.S., Canada and even in the U.K. Now, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is reporting that Donald Trump has been identified as the outbreak’s origin.
“After extensive investigation, the CDC has concluded that Donald Trump is patient zero in the creepy clown epidemic,” announced the center’s director, Tom Frieden. “Every incident of people being scared by wild-haired, crazy-faced, ranting clowns can be traced back to the source: The Donald.”
The epidemic started in South Carolina where clowns were spotted near an apartment complex. “It was terrifying!” said victim Clara Storm. “This awful creature ran up to me and yelled ‘Stop playing the woman card! Look at my tiny hands!’ and then ran back into the trees. His face was painted orange and his eyes were so accusing. I can’t sleep now because of the nightmares.”
Fueled by social media, the clown campaign has created a frenzy and caused major disruptions. “I’ll build a wall around all you weak losers and then unleash the clowns,” tweeted @yugeclown. “All the nasty women better watch their backs,” tweeted @MAGA2016. “ The clown is coming for you.”
Trump was more than happy to comment on the CDC’s findings. However, due to the misogynistic, racist and profane nature of those comments, Mooseclean’s has declined to publish Trump’s hate speak.