You’re still a stupid, fat hosebag one month after new year’s resolution
It's game over, man. Game over. Your yearly pledge to better yourself has officially failed to take root for an umpteenth consecutive year.
Restaurant owner saddened buffet hog undeterred by food poisoning
After agreeing to speak to Mooseclean's only on the condition that his identity would be obscured, a local Indian restaurateur has revealed the extraordinary lengths he went through to break…
Mixed-gender nude yoga class unsurprisingly a sausage fest
LOCAL—Grace Cann addresses a class of first timers, describing how to arrange their mat and blocks before finally inviting everyone to undress and join her for the first pose. It's…
Local mosque reports massive surge in interest from loser, dropout white guys
Following more horrific reports of Islamist terrorist attacks overseas, a local mosque has observed a sharp increase in attendance by unemployed or underemployed single white males with little or no…
Ice storm peddling confirms that winter cyclists are certifiably fucktarded
OTTAWA—Despite 15 millimetres of freezing rain coating the 18 centimetres of snow that fell recently, observers report that Ottawa bikes are continuing to traverse the National Capital Region.
Kia announces SBOX: North America’s first sub-$1,000 car
Spurred by stalling domestic sales and the success of ultra-cheap vehicles in China and India, South Korean auto-producer Kia has announced “a bargain car for the rest of us”. “People…
Taliban terrorists’ buttholes added to Allah’s “72 Virgins” roster
Photo credit: FS1 - Community TV Salzburg (flickr). JANNAH—Following the horrific massacre of 132 students at Army Public School in Peshawar, God Himself has spoken out against the Taliban.
US tech firm patents human genitals
Myriad, the company that created a firestorm of anger with its patent of the mutated BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes associated with cancer, now owns the patents to your koochie or…
Bill Cosby to star in Women Say The Darndest Things
LOS ANGELES, California—CBS Productions announced today that Bill Cosby will star in a reincarnation of the popular television franchise which has delighted audiences since 1945.
Police riot squads on alert as Tim Hortons price hikes loom
In the wake of unresolved feelings about Burger King's acquisition of Tim Hortons comes another stunning blow—the chain now plans to raise the price of coffee and breakfast sandwiches at…