Trans Fats will be systematically eliminated from American society if a proposed ban by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration is given approval, according to an official news release on the FDA departmental website.

In their proposal, the FDA stated that while Trans Fats do occur naturally in small amounts, their current concentration has become crippling on the well-being of the population and at present levels they are no longer “generally recognized as safe”.

D.T. Sanchez, Director of Policy of PFLAG—Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays—expressed disappointment at the news.

“It’s unfortunate that over 40 years into our mandate we’re still dealing with government interference in the personal lives and identities of ordinary persons. Transgenderism is not a choice to be legislated out of existence. More troubling is the singling out of individuals who may be struggling with weight and self-esteem issues, or worse, transgendered people who are happy with their large body size.”

Meanwhile, Canada is teetering on the fence, carefully avoiding saying anything potentially offensive or decisive.

“We’re still evaluating the situation closely,” said Thom Major, Senior Policy Analyst at Health Canada. “Our Trans Fat Monitoring Program has been collecting and analyzing data for many years, but at this time we have no specific observations to share, suggestions to make, or a project end date in mind.”

Saskatoon resident Jeremy Pendleton was surprised to learn that Health Canada had been monitoring him since 2007.

“I’m not a danger to anyone,” he said, “and if you must label me, I’d appreciate it if you called me Trans Plus-Sized.”

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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