Workers unload leftovers at the office

LOCAL—The modern-day office serves many purposes: workplace, social experiment, trolling zone for a future partner…and a dumping ground for unwanted food.  When it’s too much to give to the dog, why not take your leftovers to work?

“My wife made three pans of lasagna for a family get-together on the weekend, and we only ate two-and-a-half,” said Honda salesman Joey Ruff.  “I told her I didn’t want to eat it again for dinner tonight, so she sent the pasta with me this morning.  All it took was a quick email to the repair shop and the food was gone from the break room before lunch.”

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Man fails to communicate awesomeness of Kraft Dinner to Mexican In-laws

After multiple attempts, a local man hung his head in despair and accepted his inability to communicate the awesomeness of Kraft Dinner Macaroni and Cheese to his Mexican in-laws, who have been living in Canada for over a decade now and still fail to understand its awesomeness.

“I just don’t understand how they don’t find it awesome,” said Alex Smith. “I even added ketchup and little chunks of cut-up hot dog, and they still didn’t find it delicious,” he added.

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NOPE-A! Greek olive oil threatened

ATHENS—In an effort to streamline Greece’s crippled economy, a government-funded study has recommended some fundamental changes to the country’s food production.  A particularly slippery suggestion: blending sacred Greek olive oil with cheaper vegetable oil.

“Never!” shouted Zacharo olive farmer, Dimitris Panagos.  “These new-world Greeks with their waxed chests and manscaped eyebrows want us to betray our heritage for the sake of the almighty Euro! What’s next? Feta cheese made with cow’s milk?”

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Calorie counts to curb obesity? Fat chance!

OTTAWA—Health Minister Deb Matthews has announced legislation requiring fast food chains to display calorie and nutritional information on their menus and menu boards.  Officials hope the move will help the public make healthier choices when eating out.

A University of British Columbia study shows that Canada’s obesity rates have climbed to an all-time high.  In a province-by-province breakdown, 24% – 30% of the nation’s population is obese.  Those in the north are the fattest, while those on the west coast are merely big-boned.

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Cutting the cheese

EAST COAST, USA—What food comes in a loaf, melts like a dream and is shelf stable?  Velveeta, of course!  But the processed cheese product that coats teeth and adheres to the roof of so many mouths may soon be hard to find.  Kraft Foods, which manufactures Velveeta, has warned consumers that one of its most recognizable products is in short supply in some areas. 

“How can this happen?” asked a distraught Tim Worthy.  “I just created a Super Bowl event on Facebook. How will I make my famous nachos? And what will I use to hide my dog’s anti-seizure medication?”

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No free lunch for hungry Torontonians

TORONTO—The ice storm that hit Toronto December 21st left a trail of destruction including broken trees, downed hydro lines and a widespread power outage.  It was also responsible for a lot of spoiled food.  This week, Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne promised $200,000 worth of food vouchers for people who lost the contents of their refrigerators.  It has been a generous gesture resulting in a call for the Liberal leader’s head.

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