Syria legalizes marijuana

In adopting Uruguay’s new model of regulating the legal sale of recreational marijuana, the Middle Eastern nation of Syria has passed a bill which will allow the legal sale of the drug throughout the country.

“Not only will this add vibrancy to our unique tourism industry, but the legalization of cannabis will liberate our people against the arbitrary restriction against one of our God’s earthly creations,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

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Texas teen gets death penalty for suicide attempt

AMARILLO—Teenager Sally Sulky has been given the death penalty by a Texas judge for taking 8 aspirin with a can of cola in a failed suicide bid. When asked why she wanted to kill herself Sulky said, “Because I saw on a soap opera that it was a good way to get attention.”

Officials believe that administering the death penalty in this case sends a clear message to other depressed and neglected teenagers: rethink suicide, or pay the consequences.

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U.S.-Mexico drug tunnel discovered

​SAN DIEGO, California—Authorities reported today the discovery of a five-foot-wide underground tunnel that they believe to be the work of traffickers operating along the U.S.-Mexican border. In addition to providing adequate headroom for an adult male to walk from Tijuana to an undisclosed US warehouse, the underground route also featured a smoking lounge, roadside munchie vendors, a bong and roachclip novelty store, and a duty free shop boasting unlimited cigarettes and as many litres of alcohol as you can carry.

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