Fat, stupid escalator riders eaten by zombie inventor gone amok

Most people have never heard of Jesse Wilford Reno but too many, it seems, are habitual abusers of his most famous invention: the escalator.

“I’ve been rolling in my grave for some time now,” Reno complained from a locked drawer in the city morgue. “It was never designed as a free ride for the endomorphic and idiotic of society.”

Continue Reading

Porn star neighbour’s tricks are most desired treat this Halloween

In this suburban neighbourhood, streets are lined with modest one and two-level homes.  Many are decorated for the upcoming Halloween holiday. But there’s a recently discovered treat hiding in the midst of all these tricks.

“Holy shit.  I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said delivery driver and father of two, Sal Overstein.  “I was raking leaves last weekend when I saw her.  I mean, I’d seen her before and she looked familiar, but I’d never recognized her.  Then she bent over to move a jack-o-lantern and BAM! I knew right away.  It was her.” 

Continue Reading

“The right person for you is out there, somewhere,” would-be significant other says.

LOCAL—In the aftermath of your latest rejection from the opposite sex comes an official statement from the other party involved, delivered at a press conference convened at your now-formerly favourite local hangout.

“I know how you must be feeling right now. Well . . . no, I guess I don’t, but I’ve seen enough romantic comedies to feel like I’ve been there, too,” it began.

Continue Reading

Man survives by eating food found in yard

LOCAL—An area man who recently lost his job has survived starvation by eating a variety of things picked from his backyard, neighbours report.

Nathan Moller, former Chef of recently-closed restaurant Poncey & Git’s, had been unable to secure new employment at a similar, highbrow establishment. Locals became concerned when they learned that his refrigerator, cupboards and freezer had been depleted of stores.

“When I didn’t see him come by for three weeks, I feared the worst,” said Hollis N. Davis, an area supermarket manager.

Continue Reading