The undercut is a hairstyle beguiling young men across the nation. Longer on top, shaved short on the sides and looks great with a beard or moustache. But what do you do when you just gotta get that top flop out of your face?
After agreeing to speak to Mooseclean’s only on the condition that his identity would be obscured, a local Indian restaurateur has revealed the extraordinary lengths he went through to break it off with a customer who loved his food too much.
LOCAL—Grace Cann addresses a class of first timers, describing how to arrange their mat and blocks before finally inviting everyone to undress and join her for the first pose. It’s the inaugural session of her studio’s new “Open to All” naked yoga series.
Following more horrific reports of Islamist terrorist attacks overseas, a local mosque has observed a sharp increase in attendance by unemployed or underemployed single white males with little or no significant family ties.
Most people have never heard of Jesse Wilford Reno but too many, it seems, are habitual abusers of his most famous invention: the escalator.
“I’ve been rolling in my grave for some time now,” Reno complained from a locked drawer in the city morgue. “It was never designed as a free ride for the endomorphic and idiotic of society.”
“Holy shit. I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said delivery driver and father of two, Sal Overstein. “I was raking leaves last weekend when I saw her. I mean, I’d seen her before and she looked familiar, but I’d never recognized her. Then she bent over to move a jack-o-lantern and BAM! I knew right away. It was her.”
Earlier today Pat Grandall, 38, called his boss to say that he was too sad to work.
Those who oppose breastfeeding in public don’t exist, but that doesn’t stop women activists from waging war against them.
LOCAL—In the aftermath of your latest rejection from the opposite sex comes an official statement from the other party involved, delivered at a press conference convened at your now-formerly favourite local hangout.
“I know how you must be feeling right now. Well . . . no, I guess I don’t, but I’ve seen enough romantic comedies to feel like I’ve been there, too,” it began.
LOCAL—An area man who recently lost his job has survived starvation by eating a variety of things picked from his backyard, neighbours report.
Nathan Moller, former Chef of recently-closed restaurant Poncey & Git’s, had been unable to secure new employment at a similar, highbrow establishment. Locals became concerned when they learned that his refrigerator, cupboards and freezer had been depleted of stores.
“When I didn’t see him come by for three weeks, I feared the worst,” said Hollis N. Davis, an area supermarket manager.