Polio Outbreak: A Modest Proposal
Polio is a vaccine preventable disease. Yet, there are currently outbreaks in at least 10 countries causing the World Health Organization (WHO) to declare a public health emergency. There is…
John Paul II sainthood in doubt after miracles challenged
VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis fielded questions today from a small crowd of mildly-annoyed protesters gathered in St. Peter’s Square. The group alleged that John Paul II's rush to sainthood, while arguably…
TED Talks photographer laid off
Citing "creative differences" as the reason for termination, Katie Morgan has been released as the official photographer for TED Talks presentations. Due to "distressing similarities" between each of the 143…
Gay Army to protect Ukraine
KIEV—After the citizens of Crimea voted to secede, other parts of Ukraine are concerned. Will Vladimir Putin use the vote as an excuse to annex the rest of the country?…
NOPE-A! Greek olive oil threatened
ATHENS—In an effort to streamline Greece’s crippled economy, a government-funded study has recommended some fundamental changes to the country’s food production. A particularly slippery suggestion: blending sacred Greek olive oil…
Study finds 75% of pay-per-view buyers don’t perceive a difference between UFC and gay porn
A new study by an independent marketing firm has discovered that 75% of the pay-per-view sales from the recent UFC 169 event were from people who thought they were ordering…
Cutting the cheese
EAST COAST, USA—What food comes in a loaf, melts like a dream and is shelf stable? Velveeta, of course! But the processed cheese product that coats teeth and adheres to…
It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—They’re dropping like flies at the Australian Open. With temperatures topping 40 degrees Celsius, fans and players alike are succumbing to Mother Nature. “I’m from Canada, and I don’t…
France relieved by Hollande infidelity revelations
While many around the world were troubled by reports of French President François Hollande's extra-marital affair with actress Julie Gayet, citizens of France were in a celebratory mood today. "Before…
Syria legalizes marijuana
In adopting Uruguay's new model of regulating the legal sale of recreational marijuana, the Middle Eastern nation of Syria has passed a bill which will allow the legal sale of…