Letters to the Editor: An Elephant Never Forgets
In 1987, Duane Butler went on holiday in Gabon, after graduating from the University of Manitoba. On a hike through the coastal plains, he came across a young bull elephant…
Hairballs haunt man after failed relationship
NANAIMO, B.C.—A Roto-Rooter truck sits on the curb outside Dave Cosburn’s house. Inside, Cosburn faces a hairy situation.
‘Well Baby’ still ‘doing well’ at age 30
MIDLAND, Texas—When 18-month-old Jessica McClure fell into a well in her aunt’s backyard in 1987, many feared for her well-being, wondering not only how she would recover physically from the…
Eyewitnesses sought in vehicular death
LOCAL—Police are requesting assistance from witnesses to the hit and run death of a young male by a motor vehicle at the corner of Hunt and Green.
Prince Harry declares Trudeau “Ultimate Wingman”
TORONTO—Prince Harry was in Toronto on Monday to launch pet project Invictus Games, which will take place in the city next year. The trip, however, was not all business.
New Purple Rain song teen’s favourite
P.E.I.—Grade 11 student Jordan Wexler recently discovered a new song he thinks will be a big hit. “Have you heard Purple Rain by Adam Levine?” asked Wexler. “It’s totes amazing!”
Bitch-slapping skank-chokers applaud Ghomeshi verdict
The acquittal of media personality and hate-fucker Jian Ghomeshi on all counts of sexual assault and choking is being celebrated nationwide today.
Scholarship reimburses money squandered by university drop out
The Johnson Scholarship Foundation allowed Jeffrey Hewitt, a 19-year-old former student at the University of Western Ontario, to conclude his studies prematurely without any debt. After missing three mid-term exams…
“Pussy” lawsuit thrown out by judge
A local judge has dismissed a defamation lawsuit in which the plaintiff alleged that the defendant called him a “pussy” on numerous occasions.
Rain hampers annual Filipino cull
Despite a record effort to wipe themselves out–including a Guinness Book attempt by religious group Iglesia ni Cristo to launch more than 700,000 fireworks–the Filipino New Year death and injury…