Welcome to The Dark Side

It’s blacker than DARK was supposed to be.  Blacker than my last boyfriend’s heart.  Blacker than Hitler’s soul.

Vantablack is believed to be the world’s darkest material.  Absorbing 99.96% of light, the human eye can’t actually see it.  Instead, the eye perceives the area around it.  Which means Just for Laughs: Gags is certain to use it in a fake manhole skit in the near future.

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“We should refocus on creating Artificial Stupidity” says U of T scientist

Gianni Lucifero, a top scientist at the University of Toronto, has written a paper claiming that the way to successfully reproduce human consciousness is by creating what he calls “artificial stupidity,” rather than the conventional approach of artificial intelligence (AI).

AI researchers have been trying to reproduce human consciousness for years, but the goal has not yet been reached to anyone’s satisfaction. Lucifero believes this is because of a fundamental misunderstanding about the nature of consciousness.

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Most Canadian guys still can’t beat up their dads, study says

A recent study has concluded that for the first time in modern history, the average Canadian male between the ages of 25 and 40 still can’t beat up his own father.

“Based on our research, we conclude that if all the able-bodied men between the ages of 25-40 in this country were forced to engage their own fathers in hand-to-hand combat, 56 per cent of them would have their skulls crushed, or suffer some other brutal fatality. Men are definitely getting weaker,” said one researcher from the University of Toronto.

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Breathing increases risk of cancer, study finds

Tuktoyaktuk, NWT—You quit smoking, cut back on drinking, started exercising regularly, and bought organic products. Good for you. . .but sadly, not good enough.  You’re still utterly screwed, according to new findings released today by the University of Tuktoyaktuk.

Dr. Desna Kingudlerk, Dean of Tuk-Tech—the University’s school of science—revealed the startling findings. By regularly testing two carefully monitored populations, air was determined to be the culprit.

“One group of subjects—the control group—breathed normally, while the second group—the experimental group—refrained from breathing for increasing lengths of time,” he explained. “At first, we didn’t see a lot of difference, so we asked the second group to hold their breath even longer. That’s when things got interesting.”

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Quantum physicists agree to settle dispute with MMA fight

Interpretations of the infamous double-slit experiment in quantum mechanics have polarized scientists for decades. Now, two prominent pioneers in the world of quantum mechanics, Dr. Alan Heisenbohr and Dr. Richard Harris, have agreed to settle the argument once and for all in a mixed marital arts bout, the result of which will be respected by the rest of the scientific community.

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Half of Mars One applicants from Winnipeg, Dutch say

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From an applicant pool of over 200,000, just over a thousand people are now still in contention to be the the first residents of Mars—and many of them are from The Peg, the organizers say.

Mars One, a non-profit organization based in the Netherlands, plans to create a permanent human colony on the red planet by 2025. Over five hundred Winnipeg residents survived the first cut and are still candidates for the final spaceflight crew of four.

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