Society speaks out against allegations

Open Tuesday-Saturday, 9 to 5: Society claims that the nature of her day job runs counter to unfair allegations by the public.

BELLEVILLE, Ontario—After decades of taking blame for every single human beings’ personal problems, Society has decided to speak out against the criticisms against her.

According to an undergraduate sociology student from Trent University, Society is to be blamed for inciting rape culture, for the growing rate of diagnoses in mental disorders, and also global warming. 

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Reports of female teacher pedophiles arouse male readers

News breaking of adult school teachers having sex with minors will cause erections for the majority of male readers, providing the perpetrator is a lady.

According to an Angus Reid poll released last week, when news surfaced of a Saskatchewan teacher who was caught having sex with three teenage boys, 71 percent of male readers admitted to forming an erection with their penis, while 13 percent said they reach semi-status. Four percent of readers surveyed said erectile dysfunction prevented them from going hard, while nine percent of responding men were gay. Only five percent of male respondents presumably lied by claiming that they were not aroused.

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First person to notice Ben went missing was his pissed off boss

Scott Anderson, the senior manager at Pethealth Inc. in Oakville, began looking for a new employee two hours after data entry clerk Ben Witters failed to show up to work on Wednesday.

“If he thinks he can show up whenever he feels like it, he’ll have to find work somewhere else,” Anderson said about the man being held in captivity at the hands of a deranged pyscho killer. “I hate slackers and Ben knows it.”

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Enbridge changes status to not-for-profit

There will be no profiting off of natural gas in Ontario after July 31st, 2014, as Enbridge Inc. has registered to operate as a non-profit enterprise.

“The only way we can maintain affordable home heating for the majority of Ontarians is to eat the costs ourselves,” said Al Monaco, president and chief executive officer of Enbridge Inc. “No longer shall any business be in a position to exploit those who wish to simply keep their homes warm.”

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Mulcair spotted drinking at high school bush party

OTTAWA—In what was subsequently labelled “engaging young voters,” leader of the federal NDP Tom Muclair was photographed last night at a park congregated by teenagers, drinking out of several different glass bottles and a paper bag – the contents of which were presumably alcohol.

After receiving reports of underage drinking near Sussex Drive, the Ottawa police detachment was called to the park to end the party near 11:20pm. Upon their arrival, Mulcair “booked it,” said 17-year-old Olivia Miller, adding that the opposition leader had game, but blew his chances after bringing up politics.

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Syria legalizes marijuana

In adopting Uruguay’s new model of regulating the legal sale of recreational marijuana, the Middle Eastern nation of Syria has passed a bill which will allow the legal sale of the drug throughout the country.

“Not only will this add vibrancy to our unique tourism industry, but the legalization of cannabis will liberate our people against the arbitrary restriction against one of our God’s earthly creations,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

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