Death of Avicii Leaves Gaping Hole in Gym’s Play List
TORONTO—A local music curator is reeling in the wake of DJ and producer Avicii’s death. “I will never compile a prime-time gym playlist the same way again,” said GoodLife Fitness…
Starbucks to Rename Blonde Vanilla Latte Ahead of Racial Bias Training
Starbucks will close more than eight thousand US stores Sunday afternoon for anti-bias training. This forum is in response to the incident in Philadelphia that saw two black men arrested…
God Planning Epic April Fools’ Joke for Easter Sunday
WORLD—This coming Sunday, two important events will take place simultaneously: Easter and April Fools’ Day. God said he plans to honour the coincidence with a legendary joke. “When I realized…
Devil Delivers on Ford Family Deal with Election Win
MARKHAM, ONTARIO—Doug Ford is the new leader of the Ontario PC Party. The Devil has claimed responsibility. The election announcement was delayed more than seven hours after disputes with ballots.…
Patrick Brown is our Ex, and Ontario is Us
OTTAWA—“It’s not you, it’s me.” With those words, Patrick Brown broke up with Ontario AGAIN. Brown stepped down as Ontario PC Party leader January 24 after CTV reported that two…
God Improves Record to 52-0 with Latest Super Bowl Win
Logan Stevenson. Jesus Pass. 1972. Oil on canvas. MINNEAPOLIS—The Philadelphia Eagles beat the New England Patriots 41-33 in Super Bowl 52 on Sunday. With the win, God keeps his perfect…
Loblaws Apologizes for Price-Fixing with Bait-and-Switch
TORONTO—After conceding to their participation in a bread price-fixing scheme, Loblaws has risen to the occasion and is offering customers a twenty-five dollar gift card as a gesture of goodwill.…
Men reminded to plan now for post-holiday estrangement
It’s that time of year again: a time of warmth and togetherness and giving and good cheer—or so the media would have you believe. But for those of us living…