Exoplanets agree to turn off lights, act like nobody’s home
NASA—Astronomers have found seven Earth-sized planets that they hope will reveal life beyond our globe. Area inhabitants are not amused. “Oh, for Zasafron’s sake!” said TRAPPIST-1e alien Muhammad, choosing to…
No, not that Richard Hatch
LOS ANGELES—Richard Hatch has died. No, not that Richard Hatch. Based on viewer age and television preferences, there is some confusion as to which Richard Hatch is no longer living.…
Monopoly introduces Drumpf Administration edition
RHODE ISLAND, U.S.A.—Hasbro’s Gaming Division has introduced the latest Monopoly edition in recognition of the 45th President of the United States. “What better way to honor President Drumpf than with…
Gym regulars resolve to stay away until new members give up
WINNIPEG—Neighbourhood gym Hard Bodies has seen a 35% increase in membership since January 1. However, the gym is no more crowded than usual.
Resolutions broken one day into new year, man admits
LOCAL—On January 1, Glenn Dickson pledged that this would be the year he would take charge of his health: quit smoking, quit drinking, and lower his saturated fats. “I meant…
Ode to a Shitty Year
2016, you are… The box of raisins at HalloweenA dead fly floating in the soup tureen A bad haircut that made me cryWaking up to the sting of pink eye