Ontario Deputy Premier to fix homeless problem by mass deportation
With above-average literacy, healthcare-fortified bodies, and predominantly white skin, Canada's homeless are a booming export to America's economically decimated subprime mortgage crisis urban wastelands. Deputy Premier Deb Matthews has finally…
Canadian Tire Money goes digital: Big whoop
TORONTO—Canadian Tire has announced that its nationally recognizable store currency is going digital. And the prospect of rainbow-colored Canadian Tire money becoming obsolete triggered a gasp that was heard from…
Torontonians surprised Rob Ford tumour not found in head
TORONTO—Ontarians were shocked this week to learn that Mayor-for-the-meantime Rob Ford was admitted to hospital with an abdominal tumour after complaining of stomach pains. "Abdomen? Really?" exclaimed Gerald Waymire of…
Special K keeps the blues away
OTTAWA—Interested in a fast-acting, quick metabolizing anti-depressant that can also result in some pretty rad hallucinations? Then get in line for some Ketamine. “For reals?” asked surprised club DJ, Max…
Calgary man misunderstands Ice Bucket Challenge, victims shaken
Above: The best time to help someone with ALS is anytime they're least expecting it. A Calgary man has been arraigned on charges after performing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.
Letters to the editor: Ants peeing in reader’s driveway
Often it happens that I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, or sleeping fitfully as I ponder the ants that urinate in my driveway. It isn't enough that they…