Society speaks out against allegations
Open Tuesday-Saturday, 9 to 5: Society claims that the nature of her day job runs counter to unfair allegations by the public. BELLEVILLE, Ontario—After decades of taking blame for every…
Putin to annex Gaza
MOSCOW-Calling himself an “opportunist”, Vladimir Putin has announced plans to annex Gaza. “After observing the growing tensions between Hamas and Israel from an outpost in Tartus, Syria where I’ve amassed…
MMA fight between quantum physicists ends in simultaneous knockouts
The long anticipated MMA match between quantum physicists Dr. Richard Harris and Dr. Alan Hiesenbohr ended in dramatic and confusing fashion last night, with both men simultaneously knocking the other…
Welcome to The Dark Side
It’s blacker than DARK was supposed to be. Blacker than my last boyfriend’s heart. Blacker than Hitler’s soul. Vantablack is believed to be the world’s darkest material. Absorbing 99.96% of…
Rival protest groups clash on street corner
Violence broke out yesterday among two rival protest groups competing for space at the same intersection of Lakeshore and Trafalgar in Oakville. One group, who had gathered early Wednesday morning…
The Cosby Show to return to TV?
HOLLYWOOD—NBC announced recently that Bill Cosby is working on a return to television. Just the thought of the venerable Heathcliff Huxtable once more gracing the small screen sets nostalgic hearts…
“We should refocus on creating Artificial Stupidity” says U of T scientist
Gianni Lucifero, a top scientist at the University of Toronto, has written a paper claiming that the way to successfully reproduce human consciousness is by creating what he calls “artificial…