Diners Demand a Return to Meat-Based Meat
CANADA—The new wave of plant-based meat is not everyone’s cup of chili. Across the nation, diners are demanding a return to meat-based meat. “I was at a barbeque last weekend…
Oddsmaker Sees Opportunity in Future Mass Shootings
LAS VEGAS—Are you feeling lucky? They lay your money down and roll the dice. Mass shootings in America have reached the big time and citizens can finally cash in. In…
Drake Mounted on Front of Raptors Parade Bus
TORONTO—Sports fans in Toronto are expected to turn out in droves today as the city celebrates NBA champions, the Toronto Raptors. Players will ride through the city in open-air double-decker…
Premier Ford Announces Latest Efficiencies to Homeless, Sick, Uneducated Citizens
TORONTO—This morning, Premier Doug Ford held a press conference at Queen’s Park to update Ontarians on his efforts to balance the provincial budget. He was greeted by a rousing chorus…
Canada Confuses Blue Bin and Garbage Day in Philippines
PHILIPPINES—Canada’s squeaky clean reputation is getting trashed overseas. Filipino President Rodrigo Duterte has demanded that Canada remove its trash from his country or face the threat of war. More than…
PewDiePie Asks White Supremacists to Unsubscribe
NEW ZEALAND—The Mosque shootings in Christchurch, New Zealand on Friday left 50 people dead and as many injured. The accused murderer live-streamed part of the attack and called out “subscribe…
Miserable Bastard, Scheming Bitch, Daft Prick Among Plane Crash Casualties
In perusing the accolades for victims of airline tragedy, its easy to wonder why it inordinately claims only the best and brightest of our society: scholars, pacifists, humanitarians, mediators, scientists,…
Prostitution Charges Rub Patriots Owner the Wrong Way
Sports is all about ritual. Eating the same breakfast. Putting on the right shoe first. Kissing a charm for good luck. On the day of the AFC title game, the…