75-year-old woman beats police officer mercilessly after being tasered
OAKVILLE—A police officer is recovering in hospital after a 75-year-old woman he tasered "became super strong" and "laid a beat down on him".
Taliban terrorists’ buttholes added to Allah’s “72 Virgins” roster
Photo credit: FS1 - Community TV Salzburg (flickr). JANNAH—Following the horrific massacre of 132 students at Army Public School in Peshawar, God Himself has spoken out against the Taliban.
Rival protest groups clash on street corner
Violence broke out yesterday among two rival protest groups competing for space at the same intersection of Lakeshore and Trafalgar in Oakville. One group, who had gathered early Wednesday morning…
Reports of female teacher pedophiles arouse male readers
News breaking of adult school teachers having sex with minors will cause erections for the majority of male readers, providing the perpetrator is a lady. According to an Angus Reid…
Nigerian girls fail to attract buyers, militants complain
The fate of 200 girls kidnapped from their boarding school in Chibok may be twisting for the better. Boko Haram militants initially threatened to sell the girls into slavery, but…
First person to notice Ben went missing was his pissed off boss
Scott Anderson, the senior manager at Pethealth Inc. in Oakville, began looking for a new employee two hours after data entry clerk Ben Witters failed to show up to work…
Police make drug bust while searching for pedophile
OAKVILLE—A search for a black SUV connected with a ring of pedophiles believed to be operating in the Oakville area resulted in an unrelated drug bust early Wednesday morning. Sgt.…
“Dark Knight” Peter MacKay to patrol red light districts
Federal Minister of Justice and Attorney General Peter MacKay, angered that New Brunswick is dropping current prosecutions of prostitutes and Johns, is taking matters into his own hands. "I will…
Book Fight Club
KAMLOOPS, B.C.—Amy Parsons was hosting her monthly book club Sunday night when discussion and laughter devolved into insults and fisticuffs. “I’m not really sure how it happened. One minute, we…
Ireland to legalize drunk driving
DUBLIN, Ireland—In a not particularly surprising move today, the government of Ireland has announced that it is considering legalizing moderately drunk driving for rural residents.