Patrick Brown is our Ex, and Ontario is Us
OTTAWA—“It’s not you, it’s me.” With those words, Patrick Brown broke up with Ontario AGAIN. Brown stepped down as Ontario PC Party leader January 24 after CTV reported that two…
Cosby to Enlighten New Generation of Abusers with Speaking Tour
ALABAMA—After escaping sexual assault charges in a trial that resulted in a hung jury, Bill Cosby is ready to educate the masses. “I thought to myself, how can I monetize…
F**k a duck? Don’t mind if I do…
WE-SWEAR-WE-ARE-NOT-MAKING-THIS-UP DEPT. A man was detained in Bursa province in Turkey’s Marmara region for allegedly raping a duck, daily Habertürk reported. Police forces detained the man following complaints from his…
Health Canada approves ‘Season After the Morning After’ Pill
OTTAWA—Following positive, albeit controversial, results with its approval of non-prescription sales of the 72-hour ‘morning after’ pill (Levonorgestrel) and the 49-day ‘abortion pill’ (Mifegymiso), Health Canada has upped the ante.
Hurricane Miranda now identifies as Hurricane Matthew
Earlier today Hurricane Miranda announced that it will be transitioning, and now wants to be called Matthew.
IOC admits to hiring Brazil for its looks
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL—The 2016 Rio Summer Olympics are mired in uncertainty. Concerns about pollution, crime and a lack of preparedness have plagued the Games. Now, a top IOC official…
CBC wants sensitivity training for Borel after she rips them a new one
TORONTO—After having her sexual assault charges against Jian Gomeshi settled by peace bond last week, Kathryn Borel made a statement to the media. In the wake of what she said,…
Prince Harry declares Trudeau “Ultimate Wingman”
TORONTO—Prince Harry was in Toronto on Monday to launch pet project Invictus Games, which will take place in the city next year. The trip, however, was not all business.
Pope’s treatise like a letter to Penthouse
Pope Francis has penned a church document entitled “The Joy of Love”, and devout Catholics are saying it reads like a letter to Penthouse.
Bitch-slapping skank-chokers applaud Ghomeshi verdict
The acquittal of media personality and hate-fucker Jian Ghomeshi on all counts of sexual assault and choking is being celebrated nationwide today.