Cypress Hill changes name to Sigh
SOUTH GATE, CALIFORNIA—On the heels of Kanye West’s recent name change to “Ye”, American hip-hop band Cypress Hill has now followed suit and changed its name to “Sigh”. Critics allege…
Little Tweak on the Prairie
CANADA—More than a thousand Canadians died in the first quarter of 2018, thanks to the opioid crisis. Now, addicts are turning their backs on a drug that was either a…
Louis CK embarks on highly-anticipated return to exhibitionist masturbation
Louis C.K. made a tentative return to masturbating in front of junior staff last night—asking some unknown comediennes to watch him masturbate in front of them at a small New…
What’s Haunting Toronto this Halloween?
Toronto has some demons that need to be exorcised. This Halloween, let’s take a look at who and what is haunting the citizens of Ontario’s capital.
Voters Re-elect Candidate for Umpteenth Term for Lack of Compelling Reason Not To
It is often said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. South-end residents have done just that, electing…
Responsible Toilet Paper Consumption Tied to Independent Living
Parents across Canada can agree that even after successful toilet training, the struggle continues with their children. “I stopped buying triple-ply years ago,” Alice Wells of Charlottetown, NS, lamented. “I…
Toronto Pursues American Market with Gun Tourism
TORONTO-“If there’s one thing we know about Americans, it’s that they love guns!” said Tourism Toronto director, Abe Sinclair. The director plans on turning US gun lust into tourism gold.…
Toddler Speaks Truth to Power
“No! Broccoli is yucky!” declared two-and-a-half year old Macy Arnold on Wednesday. Crossing her arms, she refused to eat the vegetable and sat in her highchair defiantly. “She used to…
Angry Orange Volcano Named for POTUS
Hawaii—Unstable. Unpredictable. A wispy orange top. It practically named itself. With an angry orange glow, the Kilauea Volcano is destroying everything in its path. This natural disaster seems to have…