Rob Ford’s dog resigns citing violence, substance abuse, infidelity
TORONTO—The chips just keep falling for Toronto's beleaguered mayor: nacho chips, casino chips, and now animal microchips. Word came late last night that Ford's beloved mongrel Dorf had run away…
Ex-Walmart employee pleads guilty to fraud
FORT SMITH, Arkansas—A “valued, part-time Associate” employee of Walmart Stores Inc. has admitted to stealing an estimated $5,000 in cheap foreign-made merchandise from the world’s largest retailer. Tim Conklin, 67,…
It’s finally official: Ottawa is Canada’s most boring city
TORONTO—Mooseclean's pollsters are cavorting wildly in the lobby today, which is to say that pleasant grins are being exchanged between staff normally too reserved to make eye contact. Why? We…
How to win an election: Lessons learned from the ‘robocalls’ scandal
A federal court judge has reached a decision in the 'robocalls' scandal, confirming that an attempt was made to affect the results in six ridings, and big whoop. No candidates…
Survey says Ottawans might trade Watson for Ford
OTTAWA—In a survey conducted exclusively for Mooseclean's, 25% of individuals polled would consider trading Ottawa's counsellor-turned-mayor Jim Watson for Toronto's hoodlum-turned-mayor Rob "F-ing" Ford. Some respondents agreed to provide comments…
Wright solely responsible for secret, backroom, hush-hush $90,000 deal with Duffy that PM Harper knew absolutely nothing about because they hid it from him knowing darn well that he’s busy running the country and can’t keep an eye on everything: PMO
OTTAWA—Prime Minister Harper is leaving absolutely no doubt about his role in the Duffy repayment scandal. "It was Wright," he said. "The person, I mean, not the payout. And his…
Wynne on Ford: ‘Fess up, smoke up, drop out’
TORONTO—Premier Kathleen Wynne is tired of Rob Ford's fat boy frat boy brand of politics, if her latest statement is any indication. "I'm tired of Rob Ford's fat boy frat…
Duffy, Ford considering charity wrestling to improve images
OTTAWA—Reports are surfacing that in an attempt to mutually boost their tarnished images, ex-Tory Mike Duffy and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford are in talks to wrestle at a public fundraiser…
Veganism as environmentally harmful as meat production, scientists prove
KEMPTVILLE, Ontario—Farting and belching by vegans is a key contributor to global warming problems, extinction of earth species, and a worldwide suicide epidemic involving Angus Beef cattle suffering from feelings…
Litterasee is on deekline, expurtz say
ODDAWA—Akording 2 a survay conduckted by the Ontaireeoh Ministree uv Edyookayshun, Ingglish litter a see among collige gradyooits has deeklined dramaticklee in the past 10 yeers. Onlee 31 per sent…