World Cup 2014 is over
EARTH—For all intents and purposes, the World Cup is over or so it seems for many who are FIFA-obsessed. With favorites Italy and England out and defending 2010 champs Spain…
Miley Cyrus lights herself on fire and runs into a fireworks factory, killing 75
Photo: Hot Gossip Italia, flickr. Millions were saddened today to learn of the apparent death of musician, actress, and freakshow spectacle Miley Cyrus, via a written story by Christopher Hooton…
Most Canadian guys still can’t beat up their dads, study says
A recent study has concluded that for the first time in modern history, the average Canadian male between the ages of 25 and 40 still can’t beat up his own…
Breathing increases risk of cancer, study finds
Tuktoyaktuk, NWT—You quit smoking, cut back on drinking, started exercising regularly, and bought organic products. Good for you. . .but sadly, not good enough. You're still utterly screwed, according to…
“The right person for you is out there, somewhere,” would-be significant other says.
LOCAL—In the aftermath of your latest rejection from the opposite sex comes an official statement from the other party involved, delivered at a press conference convened at your now-formerly favourite…
finklebottom
I shit you not: the world’s most expensive tea is made from the dung of panda bears.
PM unveils “shoot first – ask questions later” initiative
In a bold new initiative to regain flagging support among their fundamentalist base, the Harper government has announced the first of it’s innovative new “shoot first, ask questions later” policies.…
Man survives by eating food found in yard
LOCAL—An area man who recently lost his job has survived starvation by eating a variety of things picked from his backyard, neighbours report. Nathan Moller, former Chef of recently-closed restaurant…
Summer already booked solid
After such a long, harsh winter, Canadians across the country are welcoming summer with open arms. Just one week into June, every damn weekend has been booked. “I don’t know…